I Choose You

Throughout the last few years I’ve been asked about my adoption quite a few times.  I’d like to share with you all that God has done in my life and is continuing to do. 

I was the fourth child born to a mother who was a drug addict and a prostitute.  My biological father was also an addict and had lived a life of crime to support his addiction.  Because my mother was in prison so often she was unable to care for any of her children.  I was taken in, along with my younger brother Jeremiah, by a Mennonite foster family and lived with them until I was 3 years old.  It was the spring of 2000 that we went to live with the Wagner family who were then able to adopt us two and a half years later after much red tape and court hearings.  I am so thankful to God for bringing me to them.  Through their continual guidance and teaching, I came to know Christ as my Heavenly Father at the age of nine.  The Lord has brought me through so much.

For years I lived with a constant fear of being rejected.  After all, in my young mind, I had been rejected by two sets of parents and was now with a third family.  As I grew older, I had a lot of questions.  I wondered why I had to grow up never knowing my biological parents.  What were they like?  Did I look like my mother?  Did I have my father’s eyes? And other typical questions of an adoptee. 

What was God doing with my life?  I have experienced much pain and loss.  I think my biggest heartache was the loss of Jeremiah, my biological brother whom the Wagners also adopted.  He was born with drugs in his system and later developed what is known as Reactive Attachment Disorder or better known as RAD.  The first three years are critical to children.  It’s important children bond with someone before the age of three.  If this bonding process is interrupted, the brain physically forms differently than a healthy child.  Children do not learn to trust and fail to develop any conscience.  More can be learned about this by visiting RAD expert, Nancy Thomas’ website.  Some things that cause RAD are pre-birth exposure to drugs, alcohol, abuse, neglect, changing day cares, changing foster homes and adoption.  When we were adopted, RAD was fairly new to the foster care system and as a result, it wasn’t taught to prospective adoptive parents in many agencies.  My parents did the best they knew with raising us but Jeremiah never formed the so needed attachment with anyone.  As a result, he caused much trauma to our whole family. It hurt to see him making the choices he did.  I wanted to be able to help him but I realized my parents did all they could.  They went above and beyond what many parents in similar circumstances would have done.  They sought counsel from professionals and a few trusted Christians.  It was time for Jeremiah to permanently leave our family for safety and healing to begin. That was very hard for me and still is; I love him dearly.  Through all the changes and loss, he was the one constant thing in my life….and then he had to leave. 

Could any good come from all this pain and loss?  I certainly didn’t see it.  I tried to continue on with life, internalizing my agony.  The stress was very real.  In October of 2013, it began to take a toll on my health.  My cousin was in a serious car accident in Oklahoma.  Our family took a trip down to visit her and the family.  The second day there, I began to have what appeared to be grand mal seizures.  They were violent full body seizures; some lasting up to three continuous hours.  After three major hospitals in just a few days, it was determined that the cause of the seizures was stress. I began counseling to deal with the grief and loss. 

Things went well for quite a while. I graduated from high school and then entered into a courtship with a young man my father had been getting to know.  Sadly, things were not as they seemed and so I dissolved the courtship; another loss in my life. I thank The Lord for His protection and guidance. I'm especially thankful that I can look back on those two months without regret. I compromised nothing physically or spiritually. However, I again began to question what the Lord was doing with me.  Then, one Sunday morning my pastor said something that caught my attention.  He said, “God is perfect so that means all of His ways are perfect.”  I needed to trust Him and pray that Christ would get all the glory He deserved from my circumstances.  When people observe my life, I want them to see the beauty of Christ dwelling within me rather than discontentment and hopelessness. 

Many wonderful things have come about as a result of my adoption.  I am the first person in at least four generations to break the chains of drug addictions!  I am also the first person in at least four generations that will bear children within the God-given walls of marriage!  My birth mother chose life.  She has no idea how that has impacted my biological family line. I am thankful for the life I’ve been given.  God has blessed me with the ability to sing; I love it! Many doors have opened for me to share the hope I have in Jesus as a result. 

Life is good.  God is good.  I continue to pray for my biological parents and Jeremiah that they will find Christ and surrender their lives to Him.  I am not losing hope.  Christ has the power to change the hardest of hearts and heal the most broken and shattered lives.  It is His will that none should perish but come to the Father through Jesus Christ my Lord.  It is not me that has done anything good but God has broken the chains of bondage.  He set me where I am—in the Wagner family.  I choose to follow Him wholeheartedly, without reserve, unashamedly through the mountains and the valleys because I KNOW Jesus Christ can be trusted with my life.